Funny Real Estate Jokes

Searching for the funniest real estate jokes and humour online? Well, your search is over! You are about to laugh till your ribs ache. Here are the finest collection of real estate jokes you will find anywhere on the web. 

Thank us later for giving you reasons to laugh!


Beautiful home $1,000!

A couple sees an ad that says “Beautiful large home in great shape $1,000.”

It must be a misprint, but they call anyway.  A lady answers and says it’s not a misprint.  They race over and find it’s easily worth a million bucks. They ask the seller “what’s the catch?”.

The lady assures the couple there is no catch, but they are leery.

The lady says “ok, I’ll tell you the truth… last week my Husband informed me that he is leaving me for his secretary. He said I could have everything except the proceeds from the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he and his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean?”      

SOLD!

Culled from: Funny Real Estate Jokes 


The Good Samaritan

A man asked to see the minister’s wife who was well known for her charity.

“Mam, there is a single mom with eight starving children who are about to be evicted unless someone pays their rent.”

“How terrible!” she said.

“Who are you?” she asked.

The visitor answered “I’m the landlord.” 

Culled from: Funny Real Estate Jokes


Real Estate Joke for Women: Five Keys to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.

4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.


A Fucking House

A crusty old man walks into a real estate office and says to a female agent, “I want to sell my god damn house.”

To which the astonished female agent replies, “I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to sell my fucking house!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office.”

So saying, the agent goes over to the officer broker to tell him about her situation. They both return and the broker asks the old geezer, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I want to sell my fucking million dollar home.”

“I see,” says the manager, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”


Hot Shot

A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines”.

Culled from Selling Homes in Chicago


Rest in Peace

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere in town there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new home.”

Culled from Point 2


Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Culled from texasinspector.com


COMMON REALTY TERMS EXPLAINED

Here is what the newspaper real estate ads say… and what they really mean…

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING – Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM – Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING – Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES – Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN – Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM – Neighbour has a dog.

* UPDATED KITCHEN – Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED REAL ESTATE SELLER – Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT LOCATION - Located on or near a busy freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT CONDITION - Someone has spilled a minty mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR – No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION – Front door missing.

* COZY – No room larger than 6 x 6.

* LIGHT OPEN SPACES – Many holes in walls and ceiling.

* OUTSTANDING – Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES – Dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and hip boots.

* BOX ROOM – Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes … folded.

* COMPACT – Tiny.

* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN’S RESIDENCE – Has lots of rodents and other such agricultural tenants.

* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE – It looks terrible.

* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION – In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

* EASILY MAINTAINED – Has dry landscaping that makes the Mojave desert look moist.

* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED – Former owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST – Grounds that look like a jungle.

* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE – Property is about to be condemned.

* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER – It’s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

* OWNER EAGER TO SELL – because the frightening biker tenants refuse to leave or pay rent.

* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING – Near local landfill or proposed sewage facility.

* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY – No one else wants it.

* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD – Very expensive

* SOLD – Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS – They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* UNSPOILED – Planning permission granted for field next door.

* UNUSUAL FEATURES – No roof.

* UNUSUAL LOCATION – In the path of a projected motorway.

* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS – No inside toilet.

* WELL SITUATED – In full view of the neighbors.

* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF – Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

  Culled from Selling Homes